Grief doesn't follow stages: understanding loss and how to carry it

When someone we love dies, or we lose something central to our life, grief can feel like it takes over everything: sleep, appetite, concentration, the ability to care about things that mattered last week. People often worry they're "doing it wrong" because they don't feel what they expected to feel.

There's no right way to grieve. But understanding how grief tends to work can make it a little less frightening.

Grief isn't five neat stages

You may have heard of the "five stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They came from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's work with people who were dying, and they describe feelings many people recognise. But grief rarely moves through them in order, and many grieving people never experience some of them at all.

A more accurate picture: grief comes in waves. Some days are manageable; then a song, a smell, a festival or a form that asks for "next of kin" brings it crashing back. Over time, for most people, the waves come less often and with less force, though they may never stop completely.

The dual process: mourning and rebuilding

Grief researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describe a dual process that many people find helpful. Healthy grieving involves moving back and forth between:

• Loss-oriented time: crying, remembering, looking at photos, feeling the absence; and
• Restoration-oriented time: handling practical tasks, learning new roles, going back to work, taking breaks from grief, even enjoying things again.

Both are necessary. Moving between them isn't avoidance or disrespect; it's how people gradually adjust. If you only ever push grief away, or are completely consumed by it with no breaks, it's harder to move forward.

What grief can feel like

• Emotional: sadness, longing, anger, guilt ("I should have..."), relief (especially after long illness), numbness.
• Physical: exhaustion, tightness in the chest, changes in sleep and appetite, getting ill more often.
• Mental: forgetfulness, trouble concentrating, replaying the last days or conversations.
• Social: wanting to be alone, or not wanting to be alone; feeling others have "moved on" too fast.

All of these are common.

Losses people don't always recognise as grief

• A miscarriage or stillbirth.
• A divorce or breakup. Read coping with divorce in India.
• The death of a pet.
• A parent's dementia: grieving someone who is still alive.
• Losing a job, health, a home, or a future you'd planned.

These can be just as painful, sometimes more so because others don't acknowledge them.

Rituals, family and culture

Indian traditions around death, from the cremation and the thirteen days of mourning to annual remembrances, give grief structure and community. Many people find comfort in them. Others find the crowds, expectations or family tensions exhausting, or feel the formal mourning period ends long before their grief does.

Both experiences are valid. It can help to create a private ritual too: lighting a diya on a significant date, cooking their favourite dish, writing them a letter, or keeping a small memory box. Many people maintain a sense of connection with the person they lost (sometimes called continuing bonds), and that is a normal part of grief, not a failure to let go.

Practical ways to carry grief

1. 1Expect waves, and plan for hard dates: birthdays, anniversaries, festivals. Decide in advance how you'd like to spend them.
2. 2Look after the body. Sleep, food, water and a short walk each day. Grief is physically exhausting.
3. 3Say yes to specific help. When people offer, give them something concrete: groceries, school pick-up, paperwork.
4. 4Put off major decisions (selling a house, moving cities) for a while, if you can.
5. 5Find somewhere to talk: a friend who can listen without fixing, a support group, or a counsellor.
6. 6Allow joy too. Laughing or enjoying something isn't a betrayal of the person you've lost.

Going back to work after a loss

Returning to work can bring relief (routine, distraction, purpose) and fresh difficulty: concentration lapses, tears at unexpected moments, colleagues who say the wrong thing or nothing at all.

• Ask for a phased return or flexibility if you can.
• Decide what you'd like colleagues to know, and ask your manager to share it, so you don't have to repeat the story.
• Have a "step out" plan for hard moments: a quiet space, a short walk.
• Lower expectations of yourself for a while; grief affects memory and focus.

If you're a manager, a simple "I'm sorry for your loss. Let me know how I can make this easier" means a great deal. If you're struggling to concentrate or decide anything, read how to find clarity when you're stuck.

Children and grief

Children grieve too, often in bursts: sad one moment, playing the next. That doesn't mean they don't care. Use simple, honest words ("Nani has died. Her body stopped working and she won't come back"), avoid confusing phrases like "gone to sleep", answer questions as they come, and let children join in rituals in age-appropriate ways if they want to. Keep routines steady, and watch for changes in sleep, behaviour or school that last more than a few weeks.

Anniversary reactions

Many people notice their grief returning sharply around certain dates: the death anniversary, a birthday, a festival, even a season or the weather of that time. These "anniversary reactions" are common and can arrive without warning, sometimes before you've consciously remembered the date. Planning a small ritual for these days, and telling someone close that it's coming, can make them easier to bear.

When grief needs more help

For most people, grief gradually becomes something they can carry. For some, it stays intensely painful and disabling for a long time. Mental-health professionals now recognise prolonged grief disorder: intense longing for or preoccupation with the person who died, together with distress such as identity disruption, numbness or feeling life is meaningless, persisting for at least a year after the loss in adults and getting in the way of daily life.

Grief counselling offers a space where you don't have to be strong for anyone else. Individual sessions with Tripti are online and in English or Hindi, so you can talk from wherever feels safest.