How to get over a breakup: a psychologist-informed plan for the first 90 days

"Breakup se kaise niklun?" It's one of the most searched questions about relationships, in every language. If you're asking it, you're probably not sleeping well, checking your phone too often, and wondering why something that "should" be over still hurts this much.

Here's what's going on, and a practical plan for the next three months.

Why it hurts so much

Heartbreak isn't only emotional. In a brain-imaging study, people who had recently been through an unwanted breakup looked at a photo of their ex while thinking about the rejection. Brain areas involved in the physical sensation of pain became active. The researchers concluded that rejection and physical pain share more in common than we thought.

A breakup also takes away more than a person:

• Routines: good-morning texts, weekend plans, someone to tell about your day.
• A future you'd started imagining.
• Part of your identity: who you were as part of "us".
• Sometimes friends, family connections or a home.

So it makes sense that it takes time, and that progress isn't a straight line.

Days 1–14: steady yourself

The aim of the first two weeks is not to "move on". It's to get through the days and look after your body.

1. 1Keep basic routines: sleep, meals, a shower, some daylight. Set alarms if you need to.
2. 2Tell two or three trusted people what's happened, and let them help.
3. 3Move your body a little each day, even a ten-minute walk. It helps with sleep and mood.
4. 4Go easy on alcohol. It may numb tonight and worsen tomorrow.
5. 5Cry when you need to. Then do something small and practical.
6. 6Don't make big decisions like quitting your job or moving cities in the first rush of pain.

Days 15–45: create distance

This is usually when the urge to check, text, or "just talk one more time" is strongest.

• Go no-contact, or low-contact if you must stay in touch (shared work, children, friends). Keep necessary contact brief and practical.
• Mute, unfollow or archive. You don't have to block or delete, but stop seeing their updates. Every look at their profile restarts the pain.
• Put away reminders: photos, gifts, chats. Box them up rather than destroying them in a rush.
• Notice rumination. Replaying conversations and asking "why" for hours keeps the wound open. When you catch yourself, set a 15-minute "worry time" each day for those thoughts, and redirect outside it.
• Write it out, once a day, for a set time. Research on expressive writing suggests that writing about emotional experiences for short, structured periods can help people process them, as long as it's reflective and not endless replaying.

Days 46–90: rebuild yourself

Research on recently separated adults found that rebuilding a clear sense of who you are (self-concept clarity) was linked with less loneliness and fewer intrusive thoughts about the ex. In other words, getting over someone is partly about getting back to yourself.

• Reclaim things you dropped during the relationship: friends, hobbies, music, food you love.
• Try one new thing that has nothing to do with them: a class, a trip, a skill.
• Reflect on what you learned. What did you love? What didn't you get enough of? What will you not accept next time? This is how breakups make future relationships better.
• Look at your part, kindly. Not to blame yourself, but to notice patterns you'd like to change.

Questions people often have

"Should I try to be friends?" Possibly, later, if you both genuinely want only friendship. Trying immediately usually keeps hope alive and delays healing.

"Is it okay to date again soon?" There's no rule. Dating mainly to numb the pain or prove something often ends badly. If you can be curious about a new person, rather than comparing them to your ex, you may be ready.

"What if we get back together?" Some couples do. If you're considering it, be honest about whether the reasons you broke up have actually changed.

"What if I'm the one who ended it?" You can still grieve. Guilt and sadness are common even when the decision was right.

When a breakup pulls you into an old pattern

If you keep ending up heartbroken in the same way, or a breakup triggers panic about being alone, it may connect to deeper patterns. Read anxious attachment and how to stop people-pleasing.

When families were involved

In India, breakups are often more complicated than two people parting ways. Families may have known and approved, wedding plans may have started, or the relationship may have been secret because families wouldn't approve. Each brings its own pain:

• If families knew, you may face questions, disappointment or pressure to reconcile. Decide what you'll share, and ask one trusted family member to help manage others' curiosity.
• If the relationship was secret, you may be grieving alone, without the comfort others get. Find at least one person, a friend or a counsellor, with whom you don't have to hide.
• If an engagement ended, there may be practical and social fallout. It's okay to step back from family events for a while.

Helping a friend through a breakup

• Listen more than you advise, and don't criticise the ex too harshly; they may get back together, or still care.
• Help with practical things: meals, plans for the weekend, a walk.
• Gently discourage late-night texting and profile-checking.
• Check in after the first few weeks, when others have moved on.
• If your friend seems hopeless or talks about self-harm, take it seriously and help them reach professional support.

Protecting your sleep

Heartbreak often shows up at night: lying awake, replaying, checking your phone. A few habits help: keep your phone out of reach in bed, write down racing thoughts before you sleep, keep a regular wake-up time even after a bad night, and limit caffeine after lunch. If sleep stays badly disrupted for more than a couple of weeks, mention it to a doctor or counsellor.

Counselling after a breakup helps you grieve, stop the spiral of rumination, and rebuild your confidence before your next relationship. The Heal & Rise package was designed for people recovering from a breakup or divorce.